I’m lying here on my stomach, propped up in front of the fire and whilst
typing away, feeling the warmth ooze through my body – aided I think with a smile, by the Baileys coffee beside me. This warmth is a reminder of many things, but my mind digresses – time to haul it back and focus on my task.
The task I’ve set myself is to write to my ‘reflections’ (because clearly it’s the new year and it’s a time when many go through this transformative process) but for me, reflecting isn’t only about looking back but also looking ahead. Anyone who knows me would know that I’ve never travelled the path well trodden, some may say it’s about ‘learning life lessons’, others may say it’s my desire ‘to be different’ and yet those closest, know that the paths I’ve taken, have somehow been those that have brought me my greatest challenges and opportunities – that I take them simply Because I am afeared of doing so.
My view has always been, ‘Why do something someone else’s way, where is the individuality and command in that?’ I do not wish to make the same mistakes they make, but wish to make my own, in my own way… and as such, I come full circle to the reasons for paths less trodden – that being of learning life’s lessons Because I am different and at times, need to conquer fear.
As a child I was always different from the norm. My skin and hair colour was darker, my speech was inflected with Mediterranean undertones and figures of speech, my understanding was more global and I clearly thought and experienced things ‘differently’ from others. A lifetime of adolescent angst and experience drove my need to fit in – with little success – such that I sought to excel in my life generally, taking something that I could manage and using this to bring some form of measured control into my life.
Now, as a woman; I rejoice in my colour, my darkness, my dialect, the fact that I get things wrong and I accept that my individuality makes me unique, interesting, intelligent and fun. The roads have never been easy, the people around me not always trustworthy, adults’s with misguided intentions imposing their wills and ways and my responses to them at the time, helpless. I look back now and see not a ‘helplessness’, but instead a will to survive by any means – bringing this to a point where I’m not only different but I’m strongly unique – to myself.
In looking at this past year and how it’s evolved, I consider life from a balanced state and when it errs, I look to see how I may bring momentum or force to exact a modicum of positive change. I am in that place where I am trying to make those positive changes as I believe this year is going to be a ‘fine’ one, one of delight and splendour, of wonderful surprises and gratitude. I am feeling this already and for this, I am grateful.
And so I lie here, on a road that I’ve come from – on a road that I am travelling… and my destination?
Happiness, gratitude and contentment – all measures of internal success and prosperity.
I’m hoping that the way is going to be signposted with more signage than in the past and that this time round, I’ve come to be able to read and understand things on different levels, in different languages and with all my senses. I am indeed fortunate and right now, I commit these happy moments, those of awaiting discovery, to my “enjoyment list’.
Let me continue to lay back and ponder and plot loosely, the journey forward. Let me do this with a new coffee and more logs on the fire.
Come with me, we are in for an exciting and beautiful ride.