Gone.

Broken Into a million pieces 

How does one heal a heart 

When one is not good at jigsaws ? 
You are gone from me

But you weren’t mine to keep

So … Saudades always

Until I see you beyond the rainbow

Beyond the skies that separate us

Until then 

…I walk with your shadow beside me.

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To arch and bend

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She bends

Like a willow in the wind

Weaving and dancing

To the tunes only she can hear.

 

She bends

In supplication

Of all that is greater than her

Kneeling and arching to powers that guide

Words that teach.

 

She bends

And kneels in the knowledge

That her needs are met

Giving thanks to the One

That she knows is ever present

But sometimes doubts and questions.

 

She bends

Like a willow in the wind

Of all that is greater than her

Kneeling and arching to powers that guide

That she knows are ever present

But sometimes doubts and questions.

 

She bends, smiling and sighs.

Bending in apology,rising with strength

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apologies and sorries

are only meaningful when felt and expressed

with heartfelt regret and remorse

 

they can be a watershed for change

the bridge for ‘hello again’

the opportunity to move on

and a place to draw the line.

 

they need not be laboured and adorned

with overtures of grandeur

but in their simplicity,

they speak of truth.

 

they need not be accompanied with a penance

if in their essence they carry disappointment of self

because what is disappointment – if not the greatest price one pays…

penance of the soul speaking from one to another

seeking atonement and forgiveness.

 

yes, apologies and sorries

are all about the honour of forgiveness

the strength of character to say ‘thank you’

knowing that deep down, this will never be forgotten

simply because they have forgiven.

is this not a case of a dominant and an errant submissive

an argument for yin and yang

and a dance of life?

 

to err and be forgiven

to say sorry and mean it

and in this moment,

be absolved without being tethered by history and need for atonemnt.

 

 

 

 

Tormented and in control

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I am burning with thoughts

of heat aholding thoughtnd anger

driven to distraction by darkness within me

 

where does this side

come from?

 

this temporary state of grey and black

drives me to want to lash out

and hurt back

and yet, knowing this and driven by balance

i resettle and try watch the thoughts

looking for their authenticity or mirage

and finding little but more darkness

i retreat.

 

this is best for me at this moment

a surreal measure of control and ceding

for i know the consequences of my passion would be to attack and destroy

and my future, in this regard, is far too an important reality

for balance to be compromised,

for the sake of feeling powerful over another

and controlling of my fear and anxiety.

 

what am i, if i lose control?

i am like the beast that taunts and teases

provoking and receding

playing

but ultimately afraid of their own shadow

of the sounds in their brain

of the instability in their core.

 

we are mirrors to some extent

but i proudly own my shadow before me

and those dark thoughts?

they stun and remind me,

that i am human after all.

 

and so for this lesson dear perpetrator

i thank you.

my heart beats and i am grateful for its pounding

my mind wars and i become more strategic

my anxiety rises

and i learn to keep myself safe.

 

for all of this, again i thank you.

my lesson is learned.

jump

 

 

The Road More or Less Travelled

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I’m lying here on my stomach, propped up in front of the fire and whilst
typing away, feeling the warmth ooze through my body – aided I think with a smile, by the Baileys coffee beside me. This warmth is a reminder of many things, but my mind digresses – time to haul it back and focus on my task.road

The task I’ve set myself is to write to my ‘reflections’ (because clearly it’s the new year and it’s a time when many go through this transformative process) but for me, reflecting isn’t only about looking back but also looking ahead. Anyone who knows me would know that I’ve never travelled the path well trodden, some may say it’s about ‘learning life lessons’, others may say it’s my desire ‘to be different’ and yet those closest, know that the paths I’ve taken, have somehow been those that have brought me my greatest challenges and opportunities – that I take them simply Because I am afeared of doing so.

My view has always been, ‘Why do something someone else’s way, where is the individuality and command in that?’ I do not wish to make the same mistakes they make, but wish to make my own, in my own way… and as such, I come full circle to the reasons for paths less trodden – that being of learning life’s lessons Because I am different and at times, need to conquer fear.

As a child I was always different from the norm. My skin and hair colour was darker, my speech was inflected with Mediterranean undertones and figures of speech, my understanding was more global and I clearly thought and experienced things ‘differently’ from others. A lifetime of adolescent angst and experience drove my need to fit in – with little success – such that I sought to excel in my life generally, taking something that I could manage and using this to bring some form of measured control into my life.

Now, as a woman; I rejoice in my colour, my darkness, my dialect, the fact that I get things wrong and I accept that my individuality makes me unique, interesting, intelligent and fun. The roads have never been easy, the people around me not always trustworthy, adults’s with misguided intentions imposing their wills and ways and my responses to them at the time, helpless. I look back now and see not a ‘helplessness’, but instead a will to survive by any means – bringing this to a point where I’m not only different but I’m strongly unique – to myself.

In looking at this past year and how it’s evolved, I consider life from a balanced state and when it errs, I look to see how I may bring momentum or force to exact a modicum of positive change. I am in that place where I am trying to make those positive changes as I believe this year is going to be a ‘fine’ one, one of delight and splendour, of wonderful surprises and gratitude. I am feeling this already and for this, I am grateful.

And so I lie here, on a road that I’ve come from – on a road that I am travelling… and my destination?
Happiness, gratitude and contentment – all measures of internal success and prosperity.

I’m hoping that the way is going to be signposted with more signage than in the past and that this time round, I’ve come to be able to read and understand things on different levels, in different languages and with all my senses. I am indeed fortunate and right now, I commit these happy moments, those of awaiting discovery, to my “enjoyment list’.

Let me continue to lay back and ponder and plot loosely, the journey forward. Let me do this with a new coffee and more logs on the fire.
Come with me, we are in for an exciting and beautiful ride.

Muse

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Your hands touch me
Smoothing the contours and softening the rough edges I feel but you don’t see
You mould me under your hands
Your fingers pushing and kneading
Creating shapes and lines that together build a muse of your liking
Of your need
Of your desire.

You are gentle but with firm strokes
You teach me to walk tall and you release my inhibitions so that I sing
You stand back and watch how others behave around me
Proud of me in how I present myself and therefore you.

You let me stand,
On my own when I need
But always just a step behind
In case I should fall
In case I should also perchance,
soar.
You are there.

Sometimes you walk ahead of me
‘Just to check things out’, you say
And I see you are protective
Your behaviour inspiring my fragility and strength as one
Your actions speaking to me of dismantle quiet care.

And you continue to look at me
From different angles
Touching me from every point you see
Adoring as one could
A model of perfection,
An idol of adoration
Worthy of pride and love.

I am your muse
I am your princess
And I shall serve you with the love and honour you deserve.

Softly dominant

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The view is dominant by natural design and yet, it’s soft and undulating and not perhaps what one sees as strong. And as I sit, my mind is a series of vignettes and my body, calm and relaxed.

I watch the stories unfold, how they merge with ribbons of you, colours and sounds that are vivid and mute and I am transfixed in the moment, captured by my memories that come flooding through. I smile because I remember how you smell, how you move, the feel of your skin against mine and I am missing you, even though you’re only gone for moments.

I am attached to you by something so deep, an invisible thread that is stronger than silk but lighter than feathers and yet- if pulled – could be broken. I am not chained nor tethered, but bound to you by a series of beautiful knots that even the most skilled shibari follower could not emulate. The knots are precise, decorous and placed as our relationship has grown and deepened over time. The Gnarled knots are perfect in their imperfection, scars where we’ve hurt each other and evidence of what we’ve survived. We would not be where we are without them and we’ve learned and continue to learn each day how to survive them differently, how to be more respectful and how to give more of ourselves so that the new knots that are added, are small, regular and consistent.
My thoughts are interrupted by your return and you surprise me yet again. I cannot get enough of your consideration nor can I get over it when you are. I don’t expect it but I want it. There is so much I’ve learned not to expect through my life, too many times I’ve been disappointed and needed to learn resilience and self-sufficiency, but here I am saying how much I grow every second you show me kindness and thought. And here I am admitting that I like being treated like a princess, like someone special to you that you dote on.rustic two
And your act of kindness in the moments you’ve been gone?

It’s simple… you’re feeding me, in more ways than I even know how.
And I thank you for it.